I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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