recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
