I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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