I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
