Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
