apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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