Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
