I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
