wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
