I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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