I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
