take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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