Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
