Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
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My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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