so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
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Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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