everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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