i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
