took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
