My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
