I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
