So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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