hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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