he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
17 year olds will be the death of me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
