Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Boobs speak an international language.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
