I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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