My hand turned me down
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
