i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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