Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
