she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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