I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
