My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
