just come out here and I will go home with you...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
