Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
