im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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