I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
