new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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