he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
