It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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