just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
