Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
