On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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