Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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