the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
