my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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