When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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