why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
