so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
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for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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