When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
