I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
