I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
