There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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