Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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