Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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