As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
