even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
