I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
