i already hear my dad disowning me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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