also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
They took my balls.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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