I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
