If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
